Venus

I havent really written a post for a while. I really dont feel I want to. This kind of worries me as I normally like putting down and recording the days. Also, I have quite a bit that I really need to unleash from the past two months and I have not really done much creatively to ease these feelings (poems, lyrics, journal, drawing etc.). Im just letting this gap wash over me I think, let it run its course. But I feel I had to write something on here, I dont want to neglect this blog.

So I came back from Bali on the 2nd of January. Needless to say it was an amazing trip. It left me feeling very changed deep inside. It is banal and oh so cliched to say it was a spiritual kind of trip, but that is what it was for me. Im not a religious person, but I could not help being affected by the Hinduism that IS the island. Everything has such a strong spiritual connection to it and it is hard not to want to feel a part of it. I dont believe in religion and I hope to never fall into one, but to be in an environment where the people have something so beautiful and enriched that they look to and celebrate and worship is such glorious ways, it was really stimulating and reviving. I remembered what 'culture' is here in Brisbane and looked around me in Bali, I thought this is how life should be, well for me anyways. There something that is lacking here, I dont really know what it is. There seems to be more 'life' and 'spirit' over there. Ahhhhh I think this is what happens to many people who travel overseas face when they return back home. They are hit with normality, what they have seen everyday of their life. You also then catch the travel bug. I have this overwhelming itch now to give up on uni, work my ass off and just go everywhere I can. Ohhhhh dear. With this just said, I did feel it was ready to come back home, as much as I wanted to stay. And it is great to be here, though I feel a little lost. I need to be here to build my path to the future. And to be with my friends.

I can see myself living in Bali. I know I will be at some point in my life. It felt exactly right. It felt right to be there with John. And I am so very scared of that. I see a life with him there. Wow that was really frightening to type out. Its all happened so quickly and that is probably the biggest point of concern for me. But I feel that is my head sorting it all out, doing its job being practical. If I put that to the side, I would be jumping into this whole heartedly. Because I am feeling it, I believe in it and I want it. But then do I only think I want it cause its happening so fast and because he wants it. I think. I think. I think. I always thought Id be someone who says I feel. I want to do what I feel. You have to give things chances. Thats the ideal isnt it. And fuck what people think and what a relationship 'should' be. Maybe thats what is at the core, maybe I care what people will think? I hope not. He phone last night and pondered the idea of him moving to Brisbane from Perth. I felt guilty to have needed time to think about it. It would make me so happy, but make everything so real. It was good to write this out. Not to let all the feelings stew together into a stress ball in my mind.

Ahhhh much love. yes.